Self esteem and confidence

Following a conversation with a friend of mine today I have been pondering self-esteem and confidence. This particular friend is someone whom if you don't know very well comes across as a confident self-assured person, but once you get to know her, you discover that inside she has low self-esteem and hardly any self-confidence at all. This pondering led to me to wondering about other people that I know and judgements I have made about them and their confidence levels. Also at what point does it become vain to talk about what you are good at?

As a child I was very shy and I didn't have a lot of confidence in myself - I was bullied for my weight from a very young age and it certainly had an impact. As a young adult, I was still shy but I began the process of bullying myself out of it. Amongst friends I was completely confident but place in a new situation and I was a blushing mess. Friends, family and boyfriends could compliment me but I'd think they were only saying it to be nice, and I didn't really believe them. These days I'd imagine most people would be surprised to hear me describe myself as shy as I probably come across as quite confident. I guess the truth is I am far more confident than I have ever been before. I do have good days and bad days the same as anyone else but on the whole I am more confident in myself. 

It's not that I just woke up one day and discovered self-belief but gradually I came to realise that I was more confident in myself. In part I think it's down to my family and friends and the belief that they have in me - eventually it has to rub off right? However mainly I think it's because I finally found the one thing I believe I can be good at. I think I will be a good midwife....if I didn't think I could be good at it then I wouldn't be doing it. I also think I am a good Mum...I'm not a perfect Mum but who could be? I'm not afraid to say where I made my mistakes. I'm a good Mum because I learn from my mistakes. 

I'm not the best but I don't need to be. It took me a long time to find my niche and now that I have found it, I am determined to make it work the best way it can for me. It's made me feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin and a lot less worried about what others think of me. I know my weaknesses, so when they are knocking at the door, I can't always make them go away but I no longer invite them in for a cup of tea and a slice of cake. Love me or loathe me, that's up to you. Loving myself makes me a stronger person, and a more confident person.

I also believe that confidence is going to be a vital component of being a good midwife. I need to confident in the decisions I make. I also need to be confident enough to be able to say when I don't know the answer to something. Confidence doesn't mean knowing all the answers...confidence means you know it's ok not to know the answer. 

So if you aren't confident, if you don't believe in yourself....then I just think it's a case of finding your niche....and sadly for some it takes longer to find. 

5 years - a sensitive post!

Today it's been 5 years since my brother lost his fight against the brain tumour in his head. The night before I had been so happy, his son had been born on the Saturday and whilst he hadn't been well enough to be there, we were hoping that his wife and son would be home on the Monday and he'd meet his son. However in the early hours of Monday 8th May 2006, he slipped away peacefully in his sleep. Whilst he never did get to hold his son, he did at least know that he had been born and that had made him happy. Losing my brother changed me - in ways I can't really explain, all I know is, I am different to the person I was before he died.

This week a friend of mine had her life changed forever in one of the cruelest possible ways. Her son William, who was soon to be 3, didn't wake up. He hadn't been ill, though he'd been under investigations as it was thought he had epilepsy. They'd been on holiday and the day before they'd spent the day at the beach and he had thoroughly enjoyed playing in the sand, and chasing a beach ball. It is wonderful that his last day was so happy and carefree with his parents and older sister, and I am sure that those memories will bring comfort as well as pain in the days, weeks and years ahead.

I know William's mum, through an online community. Some people might fight it strange that I keep sobbing for William...after all I never met him. I have met his Mum but never his Dad or older sister. However the nature of the online community means it felt like I knew him, like I knew him almost as well as I knew my "real life" friends. I know I'm not alone in feeling like this - the whole community has been shocked. Many of us have children of similar ages, we've debated the SIDS guidelines, the appropriate weaning foods, breastfeeding, co-sleeping etc. It's seems trite to say it, but things like this don't happen to people you know but unfortunately that's just not true. Many members of the online community are buying and planting Sweet William, in his memory. A memory that should always be kept alive.

This week I have had times where I got cross with one of the girls for leaning on me, for not leaving me alone, for not going to sleep when they should, for not getting dressed quickly enough. I have worried about money and stressed over housework. When I read the news from my friend on Friday, all I wanted to do was gather the girls in my arms. I know I am not alone, in checking more frequently on the girls when they are sleeping. Life was thrown into perspective in a very harsh way.

I can't help William's Mum and family, I can't ease their pain. I can't begin to understand how they feel at the moment, though some feelings might be familiar to me, grief is different for everyone. Today I shall be spending time with my parents and my sister, and with our children. We will be lighting a candle for David, my brother and I shall light a candle for William. Take a moment today, to appreciate what you have - give someone a hug, tell someone you love them, smile.

RIP William, you will be missed x

I am brave

Today I had a conversation with a fellow blogger StupidGirl about how brave it is to follow your dreams, prompted by her latest blog post. Many people I know think I am brave to enter the world of Midwifery but I don't think I am brave as I am just following my dreams of what I have always wanted to do.

However it took quite a lot of courage to tell people that I wanted to be a midwife. I worried a lot about what others would think and expected a negative reaction. As a result when I was younger and still at school, I didn't actually tell anyone it was what I wanted to do and I certainly didn't have the courage to actually apply. Then as an adult, it still took a bit of courage and a long time thinking about it before I would even voice the thought aloud. I can remember not long after my second daughter was born, talking to my Mum and voicing the thought aloud for the first time. I was worried that people would think it was post-birth euphoria speaking rather than anything else so if I dared to mention it I'd automatically declare I was waiting at least a year before acting on my hopes.

Every time I spoke to someone else about hoping to be a midwife, I'd wait for that negative reaction and it never did come. I got lots of positive responses in fact, and still do. Many friends and family have said to me that I will make a fantastic midwife. It would take more courage for me to say "I am going to be a fantastic midwife" than for me to take blood, or help to deliver a baby.

What was a brave step, was actually thinking to myself 'it's my life and I'm going to make the most of it, I'm going to follow my dreams'. And that is a brave step for anyone, whatever they are looking to do. For most of us, following our dreams, means some kind of sacrifice somewhere else in our lives. For me I am sacrificing my time with my daughters. I once said, I wouldn't work where I had to struggle to organise childcare in the school holidays or if my children were ill. So instead I have chosen a profession with possibly the most antisocial hours you can get. Why? What changed? Is it that my children are no longer my priority? Well it helps that they are no longer babies and require less of me now; but I have the belief that if I have to go to work and leave my girls, then I don't want to be resentful that I am having to work somewhere I hate, rather than be with them. I want to be working somewhere I enjoy the work, that gives me purpose. For me, that is Midwifery. I will be giving my daughters less time yes, but a much more fulfilled Mum. I believe in this way I will actually give them more, than I would by staying at home with them.

This is absolutely not a dig at any stay at home Mum's before anyone thinks it is. I was a stay at home Mum for 4 years and it's hard work. If my husband hadn't lost his job, I wouldn't have applied to Midwifery until both the girls were at school. My eldest is at school now and it won't be long until the youngest starts Nursery but it's meant a lot to me that my husband has been the stay at home parent for them. He has been a constant for them, in a time when a lot has changed in their lives. I know I would have wobbled far more about applying without his presence at home. (and that's not a judgement on working mother's either)

If you've dreamt about working in a particular area, then just think about it a little more. We only get one life and our working lives are long - far too long to spend doing something you hate. Just take a look at what you'd need to do to follow your dreams? Do you need to do a course? Can you study in the evenings? Just see if it's possible...even if you do nothing about it for now. Be brave and take a step....dip your toe....dare to dream...

3 babies

Two weeks off for Christmas and some time to indulge in my hobbies. One of the first things I did was to photograph my friends babies....something I'd been looking forward to all year. Despite there being a month between my friends due dates, the babies actually arrived 9 days apart. 

First born was Alice - born at home as planned on the 25th November. 

Then came Siena on the 30th November - who was born by Caesarean Section, not quite as originally planned as Mum had hoped for a VBAC at home. However as her amniotic fluid began to leak at 34 weeks, it was decided that the safest option was a planned Caesarean. 

And finally came Sam's baby, who arrived in hospital on the 4th December. I think the world of Facebook held it's breath awaiting the arrival. All of Sam's friends knew that Sam was in labour. We'd witnessed the snow updates, and the worries about whether or not a midwife would make it to her house for the homebirth she had planned. We then witnessed the updates about her contractions beginning and then her leaving to go to the hospital. I've talked about Sam in a previous post and how she lost her first son Malachi. Sam was desperate to have a little boy, and we were all praying for a little boy for her.  When her updates went quiet, we knew that there was a good chance that the baby had been born. Finally the update that we had all been waiting for....her family was complete and baby Bauer had been born. As it turned out, being in hospital rather than at home, had been the very best thing for them. 

Two days before Christmas I took the opportunity to photograph the three of them together and I felt so very very lucky.

Breastfeeding - my experience

Those that know me know that I am still feeding my almost three year old daughter and those that don't know this about me, may be surprised to know this. I feel passionate about breastfeeding and I know a lot about breastfeeding, positive and negative. Anyway I felt it was time to talk a little bit about my experiences, my opinions and my expectations; and I will say now that some of what I say may surprise you.

My Experience

When I fell pregnant with my first daughter and thought about how I planned to feed her, I merely thought "well I'll give breastfeeding a go but if it doesn't work out then I'm not going to beat myself up over it"....and I don't think that's a rare way to feel at all. I went to my antenatal class about feeding and noticed that there was a distinct drop in numbers attending. I listened dutifully to all the benefits to me and the baby and felt no real difference, and certainly no more prepared. I don't recall them discussing problems at all, though it is possible they did.

When my daughter was born, we did have skin-to-skin but in the immediate time following the birth there was no mention of feeding her. I certainly didn't have a clue what to do, or whether I should be trying to feed her or not. Anyway eventually someone did come to try and help me to breastfeed, I have no idea whether or not she was a midwife or maternity support worker. She certainly did her best, but my boobs would challenge most I think, as they are on the large side. Anyway she did manage to get her latched on but she didn't feed for long, and just wanted to sleep. Overnight she was very unsettled and I did my best to feed her but had no idea whether or not I was doing it right and come the morning I asked the midwives for some support. They did their best but she just didn't want to feed at the time they were able to help me, and when she did feed it was only for about 5 minutes. The midwives in the morning wanted me to stay a bit longer and get some more support with feeding, the afternoon midwives discharged me home. Did I feel confident? No, but having said that, I wanted to go home because I didn't feel that I was getting the support I needed whilst I was there anyway.

Over the next few days I gradually got sorer and my nipples cracked and were bleeding. I dreaded every single feed. However if someone suggested I switch to formula, I was like a stubborn child, I dug my heels in and was determined that it wasn't going to beat me. It was at this time, I actually discovered how much being able to breastfeed, mattered to me. I couldn't tell you why it mattered all I know is that it did. At that moment I certainly didn't give a monkey's about the health benefits, and I certainly wasn't thinking that formula was evil; I just knew that I wanted to breastfeed. Even now I can remember how determined I was whilst at the same time, I sobbed through every feed, and curled my toes.

Before I scare anyone who hasn't had children off breastfeeding for life....I would like to add that it changed very quickly - once I got the right support. I've actually already mentioned the inspirational midwife Annie who corrected my positioning and helped me on the road to pain free feeding. I saw Annie at home on day 5, and attended the breastfeeding group the same day. By the time I returned to the group a week later, the pain was gone. With my eldest daughter I went on to be pain free for the remainder of our breastfeeding journey which was ended by her when she was 13 months 1 week old. I attended the breastfeeding support group every week.....ok I wasn't experiencing pain but I did feel like I needed support. I made a lot of friends at that group, some of whom I consider amongst my closest friends now, one of which is in fact my second daughter's godmother. Having friends that had experienced the growth spurts, the distracted nursing child, the sleepless nights was essential.  Of course some of things are nothing to do with breastfeeding, but neither were the conversations about our husbands or families! The point was, someone had always had the same or similar experience and it meant you didn't feel quite as alone. At the time I was grieving the loss of my brother, who had died when my eldest was 10 weeks old; and whilst many of them may not have known that, they helped me more than they could ever know.


With my second daughter, I didn't anticipate any problems - after all, I had attended the group for well over a year, I'd already breastfed one child, I knew about all the problems to look out for...what could go wrong? Well...my daughter hadn't done all those things and she needed to learn how to feed, even if I didn't. There were no major problems, but boy did she have a strong suck on her and I experienced a couple of days of soreness as a result. When she was weighed on day 5, she'd already gained 13 ounces, so there was nothing wrong with her latch.

Over the coming months we experienced reflux , breast refusal, biting, mastitis and even a fairly long period of time where she would only feed from one side. I still have no idea why she only fed from one side; there seemed to be no real reason to it. She'd refuse to feed completely when she was teething but we invested in an amber teething necklace which seemed to do the trick. I was once a sceptic when it came to these alternative methods but the one and only other time she refused to feed, my husband had forgotten to put her necklace back on after her bath. The group helped support me, in that I knew it was quite common for babies to refuse to feed when they were teething, and that it was normal for different babies to react in different ways. With my first daughter, we'd never known she was teething, we'd just suddenly realise she had a new tooth.

When people found out that I had breastfed babies with teeth, they would always ask me about biting and doesn't it hurt. I have been bitten, and in all honesty, my second daughter once bit me so hard it drew blood. Not once did it occur to me, to stop breastfeeding because of it. I dealt with it in the same way I dealt with it any time she did something naughty. I told her very firmly no, and put her on the floor. She'd yell and cry, and I'd pick her up, tell her firmly not to bite and we'd continue. I'd like to say I only had to tell her once but it wouldn't be true. However I also learnt the signals for when she was considering biting, and the continued consistent reaction from me, ensured that it was soon a thing of the past; and she certainly never once bit me as hard again.


The couple of times I had mastitis, I was lucky in that I knew the signals and I was able to beat it becoming a more serious issue by feeding, feeding and feeding some more. I'd use a variety of positions to ensure that all the ducts were emptied properly. Again I am grateful to my attendance at the group, for knowing just how to handle it.

If you've learnt anything from this blog post, you should have worked out just how much I value the breastfeeding support group; it should therefore come as no surprise that I went on to become a breastfeeding mother helper and along with a friend, facilitated the group. I was awaiting training to become a peer supporter but I actually got my place at University before that happened. I did however attend the monthly training meetings with other mother helpers and peer supporters so I gained a wealth of knowledge about how to support women.

You might think from this blog post that I believe every woman should breastfeed...well you'd be wrong but I shall save telling you all about my opinion for my next blog post......

Coping with negativity

I am now 6 months into my first year, have completed my first placement, my first assignment and my first exam and already in this time I have experienced a large degree of negativity.

There can be negativity before you even begin the course, from professionals, from family and friends, from complete strangers....those who wonder why you want to be a midwife as they couldn't imagine anything worse as well as those who know how difficult it is to get a place and wonder why you want to put yourself through it. In all honesty, I partially feel this is like the first test of how much you really want it. If someone can put you off so easily, before you've even tried, then maybe you don't want it enough.  That said, I have been lucky in that the response from my friends and family has been incredibly supportive and I know that I will need them when things are tough, when perhaps I do doubt if I am doing the right thing.

I have talked before about reading on forums about poor placement experiences some students have had at the beginning of my "What Makes a Good Mentor?" post, and I don't want to repeat myself, so you can just go back and re-read it. However in a nutshell, I guess I am talking about the negative attitudes of others towards students. I know that I have said to my fellow students that as first years, we truly are the lowest of the low, and I have heard tales of being treated as a completely different person once qualified. Is it right? No of course it isn't but is it going to stop happening? Not any time soon, I am sorry to say. The only thing I would like to be sure of, is that I won't treat students that way or anyone in fact.

The other kind of negativity you can come across, is the negativity of qualified midwives towards the job, and sadly the women. As a first year, I am at a stage where I feel passionate about childbirth, choice, breastfeeding and supporting women in their choices. I don't want to change how midwifery is practised (I'm not wanting to change the design of the wheel after all), I have no urge to change the world, but I do want to support women to the best of my ability. I don't want to lose that passion that I arrived with, through working with midwives that are jaded about childbirth through the experiences they have had. I certainly don't want to criticise anyone I have worked with; I am hardly in any position to do so with the limited experience and knowledge that I have. So instead I thought I'd write a little bit about how I hope to deal with it and maintain positivity.

By keeping a record of my passion in this blog, I hope that I can always read back on it and remember why I wanted to become a midwife in the first place. That after a difficult shift, or when I am in the midst of assignments and feeling stressed, I can come here and read this and just remind myself why. That I can read about the people that inspired me, the stories that saddened me, the women who I wished had had better experiences to remind me how I don't want to be.

I also have an excellent support network of friends and family who I know will always lend me an ear, and encourage me when I most need it. They are also there to help me take a break, and give me some time out from the pressure. My husband is wonderful and will take the children out so I can have some space, and not only to study, sometimes so I can just have a bath and watch the TV in peace. I think it's valuable to know when to stop and take some time for yourself as this helps you to keep going.

I am also a member of forums where I can share opinions and ideas, gain support and have debates over all sorts of topics. I can also speak with my fellow students, in particular those that are based with the same trust as me, as they know the same people as me. It is going to be interesting to see how we all change and grow along our journey to be midwives. I think we will all learn just as much from each other, as we do from our own experiences.

I've recommended to friends who are pregnant, to listen to all the advice, take what you want and leave the rest behind. I hope I can apply this to my learning too, whilst of course maintaining my knowledge for safe practice.