Fear

Becoming a parent can, for some, be the most frightening experience in the world. You can ask about others experiences, you can read all the books, you can look on the internet but nothing can really tell you what it's going to be like. It is quite normal for first time mums to focus on the labour that is ahead of them and read all you can on the subject or alternatively, completely stick their heads in the sand and not think about it at all. I was someone who had to read everything I could. For me, as a future midwife, as someone who has been through labour twice, as a mum who wonders what parenthood will bring that day, I wonder if I can help alleviate some fear? I certainly hope that I can, for women that I work with and with friends who are to become parents in the future.

Labour is certainly something that holds a lot of fear and it's understandable that it does because anything that involves pain, is something to worry about. Instinctively, as humans, if there is pain then there is something wrong. However labour is unique in that, it is the only time that pain is actually a good thing. If you are someone that has had a tough pregnancy, or you go overdue, or you've just had enough of waiting, you may even find yourself wishing for the pains to start. The one time in your life, you will wish for pain?

Television doesn't help of course...it gives the impression that when you go into labour your waters will break and you are instantly in agony. I'd hope that most people realise that labour generally takes longer than how it is usually portrayed on the tele. For most women, labour begins with mild, irregular pains. Many women liken them to period pains. You can breathe through them, you can walk through them, you can easily talk through them...not like they'd have you believe in Albert Square. They can be 10-15 minutes apart, they can stop for a few hours and then start up again. This is the main reason women are recommended to wait before rushing up to the hospital. Yes they hurt, some are stronger than others but as it's not a constant pain it's something women can cope easily with. The fear that can accompany those pains however, is what some women find difficult to handle. The not knowing how long it will last for, can be difficult to handle. And sometimes whilst the pain isn't that strong yet, it can still prevent women from sleeping or getting comfortable, and this can have an impact on how well women cope.

I believe that fear surrounding labour and birth should be handled at the antenatal stage, or perhaps pre-conception would ideal. I wholeheartedly believe, that in the delivery suite is not the place though. It's much more difficult to maintain normality when someone is terrified. It's not impossible and I have witnessed some amazing midwives who can calm the most frightened of women, and ground them, manage their fear, soothe them and make them feel safe. I hope to be this kind of midwife. I believe that the overwhelming fear that some women experience does sometimes lead them to choosing an epidural for pain relief. They don't know what to expect and how long it might take. Providing women with accurate information, and helping them to make an informed decision is vital. Being able to alleviate their fear is also vital. I have witnessed frightened women "choosing" an epidural and as someone pointed out to me, how can it be an informed choice when it is a fear based decision. Women should not reach this level of fear.

When I was pregnant with my second daughter, I attended an antenatal group, as previously mentioned in my Inspirational Midwives post last year, where I was given all the information I could possibly need to make an informed choice about where I wanted to give birth, my pain relief options and what to expect if things didn't go to plan. I always wished I'd attended the group when I was pregnant for the first time. What I find incredibly sad, is that group had to stop running due to a lack of funding. Those midwives inspired a number of women to have a home birth, who in turn inspired others to also have home births, and that cycle is still continuing, their inspiration still continues on. They gave women a voice, because they provided the information, they probably saved the NHS a lot of money because a women who knows what to expect, needs far less interventions, would decline unnecessary interventions. In an ideal world, the community midwife would be able to handle all fears about labour and birth during an antenatal appointment. Sadly there just isn't time - too many women and not enough midwives. Midwives constantly thinking about the next woman they have to see....it's not that they don't want to, it's more that it's just not possible.

Fear is the biggest barrier for a woman facing labour and birth. Time is one the biggest barriers facing the midwife. My biggest fear about becoming a midwife, is not having the time to be able to give women the care that they need, that they deserve and becoming frustrated with time constraints. I hope to remember the midwives who managed to give the time without neglecting others, somehow found a way to manage it. 

Self esteem and confidence

Following a conversation with a friend of mine today I have been pondering self-esteem and confidence. This particular friend is someone whom if you don't know very well comes across as a confident self-assured person, but once you get to know her, you discover that inside she has low self-esteem and hardly any self-confidence at all. This pondering led to me to wondering about other people that I know and judgements I have made about them and their confidence levels. Also at what point does it become vain to talk about what you are good at?

As a child I was very shy and I didn't have a lot of confidence in myself - I was bullied for my weight from a very young age and it certainly had an impact. As a young adult, I was still shy but I began the process of bullying myself out of it. Amongst friends I was completely confident but place in a new situation and I was a blushing mess. Friends, family and boyfriends could compliment me but I'd think they were only saying it to be nice, and I didn't really believe them. These days I'd imagine most people would be surprised to hear me describe myself as shy as I probably come across as quite confident. I guess the truth is I am far more confident than I have ever been before. I do have good days and bad days the same as anyone else but on the whole I am more confident in myself. 

It's not that I just woke up one day and discovered self-belief but gradually I came to realise that I was more confident in myself. In part I think it's down to my family and friends and the belief that they have in me - eventually it has to rub off right? However mainly I think it's because I finally found the one thing I believe I can be good at. I think I will be a good midwife....if I didn't think I could be good at it then I wouldn't be doing it. I also think I am a good Mum...I'm not a perfect Mum but who could be? I'm not afraid to say where I made my mistakes. I'm a good Mum because I learn from my mistakes. 

I'm not the best but I don't need to be. It took me a long time to find my niche and now that I have found it, I am determined to make it work the best way it can for me. It's made me feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin and a lot less worried about what others think of me. I know my weaknesses, so when they are knocking at the door, I can't always make them go away but I no longer invite them in for a cup of tea and a slice of cake. Love me or loathe me, that's up to you. Loving myself makes me a stronger person, and a more confident person.

I also believe that confidence is going to be a vital component of being a good midwife. I need to confident in the decisions I make. I also need to be confident enough to be able to say when I don't know the answer to something. Confidence doesn't mean knowing all the answers...confidence means you know it's ok not to know the answer. 

So if you aren't confident, if you don't believe in yourself....then I just think it's a case of finding your niche....and sadly for some it takes longer to find.